It has taken me a lot of work on my heart and soul to fall in love with this body of mine. I always felt like I was going to stick out like a sore thumb because of my 5’11”, curvy body. While I wish you could blame just society, it is our experiences that also seem to drill these lies about our bodies into our brains. Since I was a little girl who happened to be at least six inches taller than all the kids, I remember having boys call me “giant”.
I remember clearly the last time I allowed myself to be shamed about my body. A close male photographer friend of mine and I were photographing a wedding together. At the end of the wedding we were hanging out while I downloaded his files and the conversation went to the subject of our “types” in dating. We were solely just friends. Total buddy status. As platonic as the friendship was though, he still felt the need to say to me “I can’t date women like you who are tall AND curvy, it makes me feel emasculated”.
In my head, I tried to justify what is said. “Oh, he is just trying to make sure I don’t get the wrong idea, maybe I gave off an interested vibe?” If that were the case…. there are about 900 different ways to friend zone a woman without going straight for “I wouldn’t have sex with you”.
This guy was handsome, 6’2″, and seemed really confident. A good friend, I felt. Yet he felt the need to make me feel awful about myself to justify why he only dated very thin women.
I drove home crying that day. Feeling like my body would never be lovable because I make men feel small and weak. My body brought shame to not only myself, but to others as well.
Now I see that it was a flaw in him as a man, and not in me as a woman. My body that made him feel “weak” had just wrapped up an all day wedding, covered in mud from the rain and trying to get beautiful images. My body has healed me from two ankle injuries, bells palsy, near kidney failure, and a severe facial injury. It continues to heal me over and over. It helps me climb Mount Tamalpais, Joshua Tree, Yosemite, and anywhere else I want to adventure to. It has soft curves, a beautiful shape. This body of mine had literally just photographed a 9 hour wedding day in the rain. Sliding around in dirt and rocks to get the shot.
I am tall, and strong, and have a curvaceous body. I am also feminine, a romantic, and don’t consider myself or my body emasculating at all. If I could talk to me from that night just a few years ago, I would say “did you ask for his fucking feelings on your body?”.
Has anyone ever made you feel shame for your body for NO REASON? 🖕Did you hold on to it for years? Did you judge them and yourself?
Let it go. Let it go in a way that you hold no resentment to them or your body. They are just being told the incorrect things about what makes a man a man. Men and women have been brainwashed. So forgive them, and give yourself love. Always remember your truth. I know a lot of men out there that would never look at me and feel like less of a man. I know that I look at myself and don’t define my femininity by someone else’s insecurity.
Love yourself and each other. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel shame like I allowed myself to that night.
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